Over the past 12 years, I’ve bought a lot of Jar Jar items on eBay. Some years have been lighter than others depending on the financial realities of any given time, but my JJB collection has been an ongoing thing since 1999. I try to prioritize truly bizarre Binks artifacts over the things that are more easily procured—the weirder the better. The following items were almost too weird, even for me…and yet, here they are: Jar Jar Binks Toddler Girls’ Panties by Fruit of the Loom.
After having a job in social work for the better part of a decade where I worked with kids and also had to hire other people to work with kids, the prospect of buying these panties kind of creeped me out. When I would interview potential employees, in addition to doing the usual reference-checking, I would submit their info to the state to make sure they weren’t sex offenders or pedophiles or whatever. Maybe I’m just overly paranoid, but the idea of having toddler panties on my pristine 12 year-old eBay feedback profile made me uneasy. Valerie and I don’t have kids yet, and if we wanted to foster or adopt at some point, the last thing I’d need is some bureaucrat flagging my file for the questionable act of buying Jar Jar Binks Girls Panties.
…But I wasn’t about to pass up such an odd addition to my JJB collection, so the only solution was to use an eBay account that Valerie had briefly used when she’d forgotten the password to her main account years ago. I realize that writing all of this on the internet seems counter to everything I wrote in the previous paragraph, but at least this has the benefit of context: “No ma’am, I am not a sex offender or creep—as you can see from these printed transcripts of ‘Jar Jar June’, I am merely an enthusiastic fan and collector of items related to the beloved film character, Jar Jar Binks. These panties were purchased as further evidence of the vast cultural presence of Mr. Binks, particularly in the year 1999.”
Unsurprisingly, I guess, nobody else was bidding against me for these, and a week or so after the auction, I was in possession of 6 pairs of toddler panties emblazoned with the grinning Gungan’s face. 6 pairs? I only needed 5!! WTF:
The graphics are pretty uninspired, but I’m guessing that 3 year-olds aren’t super-picky about what their underpants look like. I didn’t even open these until a couple of minutes before I took these pictures, because, why?? I was considering convincing one of our cats to model them, but thought better of it, and went a different direction:
Wearing underwear with your own face printed on the crotch seems more like something an egomaniac like Boss Nass or Sio Bibble would do, doesn’t it?
I had forgotten until recently to leave feedback for the auction ( it’s rude when people don’t leave feedback) since that account is only rarely used, and I don’t know why I invented some fictional “niece”…but I hope that in whatever alternate reality my fake niece lives in, she loves her Jar Jar underpants!
I blotted out the eBay ID because you never know when I’ll have to use it again to bid on some Jar Jar Binks-themed suppositories or adult diapers!!
Thanks for reading about my secret shame—more tomorrow!
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