Wow, only 5 more days left of Jar Jar June— I had a lot more posts planned than I was able to squeeze into this month, but they’ll appear in the future on TPM:TH. Why not spend some of the limited time we have left on the Glorious Gungan’s presence in toilets around the world??
Hopefully, this month has illustrated very conclusively that Jar Jar Binks could be found everywhere in 1999, and your local water closet was no exception. Since he’s an amphibian, JJB is a natural for bathroom products. If anything, I’m surprised there wasn’t more Binks-branded bathroom bric-a-brac, but we might as well focus on what is rather than what’s not.
If you have filthy teeth from eating too many raw chubas out of stagnant swamp water, or that have been hanging from a string in the desert sun all day, you don’t have to go through life frowning in order to hide your chuba-stained choppers. You have mulitple options, like this Colgate kids’ toothbrush:
Of course, if you don’t want to chance the bristles of your brush getting dirty, you can always put it in the precarious “holder” that it came with…
…though you’re better off just putting it in some sort of cup, because this thing falls over if you look at it the wrong way. The graphics on the toothbrush itself are nice, and they play up exactly what I was talking about—Jar Jar’s swamp-dwelling amphibiousness.
The next toothbrush from Colgate isn’t quite as fun, as it’s “adult”-sized, and I guess Colgate thought that grown-ups would want something more restrained from their…Jar Jar Binks toothbrush.
I actually used this one back in 1999, letting my fancy Sonicare toothbrush gather dust on its charger just so I could feel what a Gungan feels when they brush their teeth. I’ll tell you how it feels: triumphant.
That particular line art of Jar Jar (used on all kinds of products) always reminds me of Michael Jackson at the end of “Thriller”, especially with those yellow eyes. One of them is a tragic, childlike outcast, and the other is the star of The Phantom Menace.
This Colgate toothbrush is much more exciting, and features a strangely pensive Jar Jar figural base:
He looks like he’s pondering some sort of Zen koan. This one stands up better than the one with a dedicated holder, because whoever designed it remembered the principles of gravity.
The last one is like a complimentary toothbrush you’d receive at some cheap motel with delusions of grandeur, but its holder is awesome:
This came from the UK, and has a suction cup that has never, ever worked—even when I first removed it from the package like 10 years ago. Still, who cares? It looks great, and is yet another 1999 JJB item that revolves around his tongue.
Years ago, I used the bar of soap that this tiny bust of JJB was embedded in, but it fits in with the theme so well that I can’t ignore it…just imagine it being surrounded by a glittery bar of glycerin soap:
Around the time that Revenge of the Sith was released, there was a cheap-o set of all these Star Wars “soap mini-busts”, sans soap, that I’d always see in places like Walmart or Kmart…there were also bootlegs of these for some reason, but we’ll get to that later this week.
If the surely-toxic Jar Jar glycerin soap isn’t to your liking, you can always buy this JJB soft soap dispenser:
It would’ve been cooler if the soft soap “spat” out of his mouth, but you can’t have it all, I guess!
Still feeling filthy? Try some Jar Jar “Galactic Bubble Bath”!:
I don’t know what it is, but I’ve always loved the JJB cap of this bubble bath. The label is absurd; did they really need to throw a Naboo starfighter and Darth Maul’s lightsaber on there? Wouldn’t people get what it’s supposed to be just by seeing the grinning visage of JJB?
Finally, if you’ve accidentally stabbed yourself with a screwdriver or cut off one of your fingers, don’t worry! Jar Jar will take care of it with his Curad band-aids!:
Of all the Star Wars things that get a “Collector’s Edition” label slapped on them, band-aids are the weirdest. By their very nature, they’re something you associate with pain and injury!
Then again, maybe these Jar Jar band-aids paved the way for these Star Wars barf bags.
The fold-out front of the box features a nice effect where it looks like Jar Jar is recoiling in horror upon reading his own personal history:
He’s reliving the heyblibber crash and gasser-booming incident all over again. Thanks, Curad—I guess you don’t give a damn about Jar Jar’s PTSD!! Sigh. Well, don’t worry…I’ll be here to pick up the pieces after you’ve made your cash off of him and moved on to the kids’ band-aid celebs du jour—just like always.
The Real Jar Jar ?